I haven't blogged here in a long time and the reason why I stopped was because I got discouraged that noone was reading it.
However, as a result of being recently challenged, I started to really think about why I started blogging/writing in the first place. I realized it wasn't for myself, but for the Lord; as an act of service to bless others. The bible speaks against burying our talents (Matthew 25:18).
Lately, I have been taking an inventory of myself. I believe it is the result of my taking an evangelism class at church called "The Way of the Master". It's really an amazing class, and there were things I didn't know or was even aware of and learned being a born again believer for many years.
What I am discovering is that I'm finding witnessing to others very difficult, challenging as well as humbling. I'm realizing that based on the fact that I come from an abusive background, I don't handle rejection very well. So witnessing taps into this fear.
Recently, I stepped out and decided to try something new. I applied to become a member of a well known Christian publisher blogging network. I love to read and write, so I figured I could make use of myself by blogging for them. Unfortunately, I was met with some rejection, and I admit I didn't handle it very well. I guess it tapped into all of these emotions.
I'm not having an easy time writing this, but I sense the Lord wants me to expose it for what it is, instead of burying or avoiding it which is what I usually do. Rejection hurts and I've made it a practice to avoid it at all costs. But, if I was going to think logically about it, instead of emotionally, rejection is big part of life. There is no way around it.
I honestly try and remind myself of this, but it still really troubles me. You would think that I would have developed a thicker skin by my being met with so much rejection in my life, but it's the contrary. It's as if I have no threshold for it, which just makes me want to avoid, hide, bury it. However, I'm realizing the Lord doesn't really want me to do this anymore. And He's allowing certain things to happen to me in order to have me confront it.
I'm still learning, growing and maturing at 44. The Lord is giving me a choice; I can either stay stunted or push through my fear, pain and hurt. If I don't deal with it or confront it, it will find a way to manifest itself anyway. So I might as well deal with it, or it will be found out as much as I try and mask it or avoid it.
Furthermore, depending on the degree or severity, it can be very ugly. Thereby giving others the opportunity to judge you and your [over] reaction as something contrary to who you really are.
In saying all this, I'm going to commit to writing on this blog at least once a week from now on. I'm just going to step out, face my fear and give it to the Lord. I hope you will join me on this journey.
Thanks for reading and God bless you.