In Mark 8:26, Jesus asks his disciples the above question. And lately, it's as if Jesus is asking me this same question.
I have to be honest and admit, that sometimes when I read the Bible, it just seems like a bunch of fairy tales and fables. Perhaps this is why I have so much difficulty reading it amongst other things.
Lately, I've been questioning everything. I read a couple of verses and I immediately start dissecting it. What does this really mean? Why does it say this or that? What does Jesus mean by that? Questions flood my mind like a tsunami. So, I get frustrated and stop reading.
However, the following day I try again, but this time I tell myself, try not to get so deep. But no sooner I say that to myself, I'm back at questioning. I can read the bible in a million translations and it is the same thing.
I ask myself why can't I get this? I see many Christians loving and devouring their Bibles. However, I'm not having the same experience. And that's with committing to reading it every day since last year.
So then I think to myself, well then, what's wrong with me? Why isn't the Bible alive and real to me... the way it is for other believers?
I guess it all comes down to the condition of our hearts. How you think in life is how you will come to the Word? Your experiences will cloud how you see yourself, the world and the Word. It's all interrelated.
Jesus whispers... who do you say that I am? Do you love me? Sure, that's easy... I can say I love Jesus. But do I really? I had to take a long and hard look at myself. It's easy to sing worship songs and tell Him how much I love Him? It's easy to love Him when everything is going my way? But what happens when things don't? When our prayers aren't answered? When the heavens are brass? When our world doesn't make sense? When the Bible seems like fairy tales and fables? What then?
I'm sorry I don't have the answer for you. I'm trying to figure it out myself. Some would say I lack faith. Perhaps so. Others might say, maybe you have unconfessed sin in your life? Could be. Yet others could say, have you truly forgiven or maybe you aren't praying hard enough? Who knows.
All I know is that my love for Jesus isn't as strong or deep as I would like to believe. My wise husband made a point... when he first met me... I spoke about Jesus in a warm and fuzzy way. He said my emphasis was always on an experience, feeling His presence. It was all about "feeling" good. So again, it comes down to idolatry. I want my flesh to feel good... I want Jesus to suit my whims and desires. I want to pick up that Bible and it just be easy. I want quick, easy and fun. I want a feel good Christianity. I only want to hear what's good, complimentary, wonderful and elating.
Let me run over to this conference, so that I can experience the presence of God in a whole new way. I'm not mocking or putting down those who do this, because I did it myself. All I'm saying, is that going from conference to conference, seminar to seminar, meeting to meeting... didn't change me one iota. I had a lot of stuff to talk about, however, it didn't change my heart. It didn't change my core issue; my sinful flesh.
My flesh wants to exalt itself against the knowledge of God (2 Corinthians 10:5). My heart condition is clouded by sin, the sin of pleasure... aka, hedonism. I want to feel good... and feeling good can come in multiple ways; food for instance. I'm guilty of going to food for comfort, to feel good. When I feel empty, lonely, scared, anxious, bored or stressed out... I run to my quick fix... food. My being overweight tells the true story.
There is a void inside each of us that can only be filled by God; not people, places and things. However, our tendency is to chase after what is quick, easy and tangible. In our culture, there is no such thing as delayed gratification or waiting. We live in a microwave society. We tend to chase after 'fill in the blank', instead of going to God. So when we finally do pick up our bibles to read or pray, it is clouded by our own lusts. We are so busy filling up the void, that there is no room for Jesus. Basically, our hearts need a tune up. I know my heart seriously needs a Roto Rooter.
I was telling my husband the other day, is there any way God can just press a remote control and make me into who He wants me to be instantly? Like Star Trek, you know, zap it into me or something? Wow, wouldn't that be great!
I am ending this blog with a song that I identify with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcdLi40P1c8